


i'm a goner (somebody catch my breath)

by thisapathy



Series: liar, you'll pay for your sins [1]
Category: The Walking Dead (TV)
Genre: Alternate Universe - No Zombie Apocalypse, Canonical Character Death, Consensual Underage Sex, F/M, Heavy Angst, M/M, Non-Graphic Rape/Non-Con, Pining, Unhealthy Coping Mechanisms, Unrequited Love, honestly this is nothing but pain, it's only rick/carl if you squint
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2015-12-17
Updated: 2015-12-17
Packaged: 2018-05-07 01:57:20
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Rape/Non-Con, Underage
Chapters: 1
Words: 4,517
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/5439218
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/thisapathy/pseuds/thisapathy
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Things are bad enough as it is: Carl doesn't like school. He doesn't like the thoughts he has about Rick. He tries to push them out of his mind with any and every distraction he can think of.</p>
            </blockquote>





	i'm a goner (somebody catch my breath)

**Author's Note:**

> i already had this fic planned but then i got an email on tuesday saying that chandler got pulled from the walker stalker cruise guest list and i'm really upset and it's so much worse now :)))
> 
> just a few notes:  
> \+ pete isn't necessarily dead, ron and sam just don't have contact with him  
> ++ i feel like ron & carl still would've been friends in s6 had rick not killed pete  
> +++ because in terms of character development, carl/ron makes more sense than carl/enid or ron/enid
> 
>  
> 
> ~~this is so fucked up holy shit~~

Things are bad enough as it is: Carl doesn't like school. He doesn't like the thoughts he has about Rick. He tries to push them out of his mind with any and every distraction he can think of. His parents fight all the time—over him, mostly. This time particularly, it's because Lori thinks Carl needs to make more of an effort to be social, and Rick says Lori needs to leave him alone. Lori leaves the house in a blind rage. She's killed in a car accident and it's Carl's fault, honestly, because if they hadn't been fighting about him, Lori wouldn't have left and that car wouldn't have run that red light and Lori would still be alive.

After that, things for Carl get much, much worse.

+

Rick confides in him that a small part of him feels relief over his wife's death. Their marriage wouldn't have lasted much longer anyway, but Rick feels like it's his fault that Lori is dead and now Carl has to grow up without a mother.

Carl promises him that's not true, though, because it's his fault because they were fighting over him before Lori stormed out. Carl sits on the couch and watches his father cry until maybe, _maybe_ Carl can do something to fix it. He leans over, hugs Rick at first, and then kisses him. It's light and chaste and it's everything Carl imagined it to be until Rick doesn't kiss back but instead pushes him far away.

"Carl, _what the hell_?" Rick isn't even yelling. He just sounds so horrified and that's much, much worse.

"I'm sorry," he whispers. His vision turns blurry from the tears he's about to cry. "I-I don't know."

Rick stands up, stumbles down the hall to his bedroom and doesn't say another word about it.

+

Carl's okay. Really, he is. It's just that now he hates himself much more than he ever has. He still does okay-ish in school. He does his chores at home and learns to cook for Rick. He wishes he could be like other kids who have two parents and other kids who can make friends without trying and other kids who don't have inappropriate thoughts about their fathers. He does his best to force them out of his mind, but doing his best doesn't always cut it.

+

A few months after Lori’s death, Rick finds a girlfriend. She's at the house when Carl comes home from school one day. When he walks in the front door he expects Rick to be there, but not the pretty woman with blonde hair and sweet smile.

"Hey," Carl says, mostly to Rick, and he hates that his voice cracks. That happens sometimes when you don't talk much during the day.

"Hey," Rick says back. That's when Carl notices they're drinking coffee at 4 in the afternoon. "This is Jessie."

She smiles at Carl again and Carl has to look away because he shouldn't be angry about this, shouldn't be jealous or bitter or devastated. He manages a meek and mild 'hi' before making the excuse that he needs to go do homework. The thing is—he already did his homework. He goes to his room, curls up in bed, cries himself to sleep, and pretends that he didn't when Rick comes to check on him.

+

When Jessie has Rick and Carl over to her house—her big, beautiful house—Carl meets Jessie's sons. Sam is 11 and he's quiet and has dark circles under his eyes. Ron is tall compared to Carl. He’s 17. He wears a black beanie and he has kind eyes and a strong jawline. Ron is super nice and invites Carl up to his room to meet his friends and girlfriend.

Girlfriend. There goes that idea.

+

On the way home Rick asks, "What d'you think of Jessie?"

"She's nice," Carl says, _but she's not mom and she's not me_. He supposes he should let go of the idea of him and Rick being anything other than father-son, but he won't. He can't.

"She asked us to move in. You want to?"

"Not really." But Carl's heart sinks because he knows Rick is going to do what Rick wants regardless.

"Why?"

"I like it just the two of us." He doesn't elaborate or tell Rick it's because in his delusional mind, he thinks they can be together.

Rick glances over at Carl, hands still on the steering wheel. He opens his mouth like he's going to say something, but he doesn't.

+

They move in with Jessie, Sam and Ron. Carl gets his own room which he supposes is nice. The house is plenty big enough for all of them. Ron helps him set up his TV and Xbox and hang posters on his wall.

It’s a happy day, really, and Rick even has Sam laughing downstairs. They order pizza for dinner and Jessie runs up to the corner store to get ice cream for dessert but at the end of the day, everything still seems so dismal.

+

Carl's used to being an only child, getting everything he wants—Daddy's little girl, so to speak, except Carl isn't a girl. But having sort-of-brothers is nice, too. Someone to hang out with when no one else can. He decides he likes that aspect of living here.

It's not that Jessie isn't nice because she is. She's a good mother. She makes Rick happy and for that, Carl should love her. But it's because of that that he can't stand her or living in her house or the stupid lavender candles she burns in nearly every room.

+

Carl transfers schools but school is still bad. Ron makes an effort to get Carl into his group of friends. Carl is hesitant at first even though Enid is in his second period class. She tries to talk to him and he doesn't want to talk to her. He can't exactly pinpoint why, but it probably has something to do with the fact that she's dating Ron.

+

Carl doesn’t get as much time with Rick as he wants. Jessie gets most of Rick’s time now.

Carl hasn’t been to Lori’s grave since her funeral and it’s been almost 8 months. He asks Rick to take him but Rick’s excuse is that he’s working Sunday. He asks Jessie and it’s the same thing.

”Sorry, sweetie, I’m working Sunday.”

Carl nods, says, “It’s okay.” Except it’s not okay and he wants to cry because everything hurts so much. He heads back upstairs and knocks on Ron’s bedroom door, entering upon a soft ‘come in!’

Ron doesn’t even look up from whatever he’s doing on his laptop. “What’s up?”

“Are you doing anything Sunday?”

”Not that I know of.”

“Would you maybe... I wanna go visit my mom’s grave. My dad’s working Sunday and so is your mom. Will you go with me?”

Ron turns in his chair, gives Carl his full attention. “Yeah,” he says, soft and sure. There’s pity in his eyes and Carl hates it. “We can take the bus.”

Carl gives him a small smile. “Thanks, man.”

+

Standing in front of Lori’s grave, Carl still doesn’t believe it’s real. He stares at the brass marker for the longest time and he still can’t believe it. She was only 37. It’s not fair!  _It’s not fair_ and it’s his fault and he starts crying because everything comes crashing down on him at once.

He’s not sobbing or anything, but he lets out little whimpers and can’t deny the fact that he’s crying. He feels Ron’s eyes on him and after a while, feels Ron’s hand on his shoulder. Carl leans down, lays the fresh flowers he bought from the grocery store down on the marker.

On the way back to the bus stop, Carl glances at Ron. “Sorry for crying,” he mutters.

“Don’t be sorry,” Ron tells him. “I cry sometimes, too.”

+

They're playing GTA V in Carl's room the first time it happens. Rick's working and Jessie and Sam are out of the house. Carl narrowly beats Ron and when Ron tackles him, pins him down to the bed, Carl just sort of lets him. When Ron lowers his head to kiss him, Carl just sort of lets him and then he kisses back.

+

Ron's beanie falls off when they're making out for the third time and Carl realizes for the first time just how long Ron's hair actually is. He decides he doesn't like it. He's straddling Ron's lap, leans up and pushes Ron's hair from his forehead. Carl smiles at him. "Your hair looks sexy pushed back."

Ron gets the reference because Enid has probably made him watch that movie more times than he'd care to admit. He grabs his hat from where it fell and puts it back on. "Better?"

Carl nods and when Ron kisses him, Carl closes his eyes and pretends it's Rick.

+

Carl doesn't like it when Enid comes over. Not because he's jealous or anything, but because he feels bad because Ron kissed him and Carl let it happen and it would hurt Enid if she found out. He doesn’t want to be a homewrecker but he can’t help himself because Ron is a good kisser and it’s a nice distraction from his self-hatred.

+

It’s the first night of Christmas break and Rick, Jessie and Sam are heading to the Christmas party at Jessie’s office. Ron and Carl are invited, but they both decline because Carl says he’s tired and Ron says he doesn’t want to go to a lame Christmas party. Jessie sighs and doesn’t argue.

When the 3 of them are gone, they fuck for the first time on Ron’s bed.

Carl’s still unsure, but Ron seems to know what he’s doing. “Have you done this before?”

Ron’s hovering over him, two fingers in Carl’s ass. “With a girl,” he says. “Never with a guy.” He locks eyes with Carl for a moment, chuckling softly. “Thanks, internet.”

Carl smiles but it’s fake and fleeting. It’s not that he doesn’t want this because he does, he just wishes it were Rick instead of Ron.

They get the hang of it eventually, and after twenty something minutes Carl’s hand is around his cock and he comes with a whimpered ‘daddy’. He doesn’t know if Ron hears him and ignores it or if Ron doesn’t hear him at all. Ron doesn’t address it, just finishes inside of Carl and pulls out.

Carl wants to cry and he even feels tears stinging his eyes a little. He’s sorry, he’s so sorry for doing this to himself and for using Ron. He’s so miserable and nothing is ever going to take away this pain.

+

They make the mistake of messing around again later in the week when Sam is home. Sam walks into Ron's room without knocking. There's no denying what they're doing; Ron is on the edge of the bed and Carl's on his knees, Ron’s cock in his mouth, but still dressed (thankfully).

“Fuck!”

"I'm telling Mom!"

"Sam!" Ron pushes Carl away, pulls his jeans up and chases Ron down the hallway. There's screaming and threatening and then Carl hears Sam crying and he feels bad. He feels bad that Sam had to see that. They should have barricaded the door. Carl's still sitting in the same spot when Ron comes back in.

"He's not gonna tell," Ron assures him. He sighs and flops down on the bed.

Carl knows a little bit about how Ron's dad used to treat them and he hopes that Ron wouldn't hit Sam to keep him quiet. "What'd you tell him?"

"I told him I'd give him half my Christmas money."

Carl feels terrible, sick to his stomach, because none of this matters and it's all for nothing and it’s all fault. He doesn't bother to tell Ron that he doesn't even love him. He feels bad, though, because Sam's innocence is tarnished and Ron is out half his Christmas money and it's all because Carl needed a distraction.

"Wanna finish?" Carl asks. He's only joking, but Ron says yes, and Carl shrugs. They make sure to lock the door this time.

+

On Christmas morning, gifts are exchanged. Carl gets a new phone from Rick and Jessie. The watch Carl gives Rick is nicer than the sweater Jessie buys him. That makes Carl glow a little bit on the inside. Carl gives Ron a new hat because he's a little tired of seeing him in the black one. Ron gives Carl a phone case for his new phone and he gives Sam half the money he gets, like he said he would.

+

Two days after Christmas Rick is working and Jessie and Sam are out trying to find Sam a new pair of shoes at an after Christmas sale. Carl’s been awake for a little bit and he’s looking for his phone charger when Ron comes into his room.

"I broke up with Enid yesterday," Ron tells him.

"So?"

He says it like it's the most obvious thing ever, "We can be together now."

"We can't."

"Our parents aren't even married."

"We can't be together," Carl snaps. He doesn't even want to be Ron's boyfriend, wants to be with Rick instead. He doesn't really know why Ron likes him that much. He feels a little bad when Ron's eyes fall to the floor but it's better this way. He reaches out, hooks his finger through one of Ron's belt loops, pulls him close. "Doesn't mean you can't still fuck me," he says. When Carl cracks a smile, Ron does too.

+

When Carl's 16th birthday rolls around, Rick and Jessie give him last minute tickets to see Twenty One Pilots. Carl's grateful, but no one he knows really listens to them and he doesn't want to go with his dad. So he asks Ron if he'll go, and Ron says yes.

+

Two days later Jessie drops them off at the concert venue in her van and they navigate the line to get in, and then stand in line at the merch table for 30 minutes. When Carl doesn't have enough cash for the shirt he wants, Ron fronts him five dollars.

Carl comes to the conclusion that Ron has looked up a few songs on the internet because he knows the words and sings along during the show. They're actually having a pretty good time until Ron tries to hold Carl's hand during "Goner."

Carl kind of looks down at their interlaced fingers and pulls his hand back and then looks up to see nothing but regret and disappointment on Ron's face. That doesn't keep them from making out while they wait for Jessie to pick them up after the show.

+

Rick picks Carl up from school because Jessie’s busy and she can’t. Carl gets in Rick’s truck and sits his backpack by his feet. He feels like he doesn’t know Rick as well as he used to, doesn’t even know what to say or do and he feels so self-conscious that it’s a little ridiculous.

“How was school?” Rick asks.

“Terrible,” Carl says. Everything is terrible these days, literally everything.

Rick glances over at him, asks with some hesitation, “How are you?”

“What do you mean?”

“You seem distant lately.”

Carl laughs because it’s not his fault that he and Rick have grown apart. It’s Jessie’s fault. “I’m fine.”

“You don’t seem fine.”

“I miss Mom,” Carl says, because he knows that will shut Rick up and even hurt him a little bit maybe. “I miss my old room in our old house. I miss you because you’re always working and when you’re not, you’re with Jessie or Sam.”

“Carl,” Rick says softly. He reaches over to put his hand on Carl’s shoulder and Carl shoves it away gently.

“It’s okay, I get it. You have a new family now.” Even if Carl is part of it, he doesn’t feel like he is. He really doesn’t feel like he is.

“I’m don’t want to fight about this,” Rick says with a sigh.

"You asked," Carl retorts.

Rick doesn't say anything else and for that, Carl is grateful.

+

Carl feels like Ron makes excuses to come into his room: _I can't find my phone cord, can I use yours_? or _Will you proofread my paper?_ or _Is my blue shirt in here?_ Carl hates it. They still kiss and fuck and Ron is still trying to make it into something more and Carl hurts because if he were a good person, he would let Ron in. But he can't because Ron isn't Rick and Carl wants Rick, not Ron. Carl wants lots of things he can't have. He wants his dad back and he wants Lori back and he wants to get out of this godforsaken house.

+

"Enid's having a party tonight," Ron tells Carl at lunch.

"I thought you broke up with her."

"We still talk," he shrugs. "Wanna go? I asked my mom and she said yes. She likes Enid."

"That's great," Carl says, sarcastic.

"It'll be fun," Ron promises. "There's gonna be beer and music. Someone's probably gonna bring pot. They always do."

Carl's never been a party kid and he doesn't want to go and he prefers nights where he stays in his room and lets his thoughts torment him. He doesn't know what compels him to say yes—maybe it's the way Ron is looking at him or maybe it's the promise of free beer. Carl's never really been drunk before and he's open to trying anything.

"Okay," he agrees.

+

The party is a lot louder than Carl anticipates. He can't imagine Ron told Jessie things would get this wild, otherwise she wouldn't have said they could go.

Carl makes the mistake of not eating anything before they go. He makes the mistake of leaving Ron's side and getting drunk with a senior guy and letting the same guy lead him upstairs to a room where no one is.

And suddenly Carl's jeans are on the floor and his wrists are pinned down and he's not sure what this guy gave him, but he knows it's not good because he feels like he can't move and the room is spinning and he feels numb all over.

It comes out as a whisper and Carl doesn't even know if he's saying it or if he's just imagining himself saying it. "Stop..." He feels the heavy weight of a body on top of his and he knows what's happening, feels it when the guy pushes his cock in and this guy is huge and there's no way Carl can push him off.

He stops fighting, though what he considers fighting is merely slapping limply at the guy's shoulders, because he's in no state to protest and he fades in and out of consciousness and it doesn't last long.

The guy comes inside him and pulls out, picks Carl's jeans up off the floor and pulls them on, makes it look like Carl just passed out on the bed.

The room is spinning and Carl still can't move. Instead, he closes his eyes and lets himself fall asleep.

+

"Carl! _Carl_ , wake up."

Carl's eyes open and it's Ron and Enid standing there and Carl tries to move his arm. It hurts, but he can. He sits up and his stomach is protesting and before he can even throw his legs over the side of the bed, his stomach purges itself all over Enid's guest room floor.

Enid gestures with a heavy sigh. "Shit, Carl, really?"

"Shut up," Ron snaps at her. He puts his hand on Carl's cheek. "Are you okay?"

"I... I think so?"

"What happened?"

Carl takes a moment, thinks, and images of the senior guy fucking invade his brain more than he'd like. It's his fault, anyway, for letting himself get drunk and for following the guy upstairs in the first place. "I... I fell asleep," he lies easily. Wow, his head hurts.

"We gotta go home," Ron says, pulling Carl up to his feet and catching him when he stumbles. Enid sort of just stands there staring at the vomit that she's now forced to clean up.

"Sorry," Carl mutters as Ron helps him downstairs. He tries to focus but everything is moving all around him in all directions and he has to stop and barf in the bushes one more time before they get in the car.

Ron's friend Mikey gives them a ride home. Ron sits in the back with Carl and kind of holds him but Carl's still going in and out of consciousness. He vaguely remembers that the possibility of Rick seeing him like this is far too real, but can't bring himself to care because his head hurts so bad that he has to lay down. He curls up on the backseat with his head on Ron's thigh and tries not to throw up again. When Mikey hits a bump, Carl gives him very short notice to pull the car over.

Mikey's quick, but not quick enough.

+

Ron—sweet Ron with the kind voice and nice jawline—all but carries Carl upstairs to his bedroom. "You should shower," he says softly.

Carl ignores him, flops down on the mattress instead.

"Your dad's gonna know you got drunk," Ron tells him.

Honestly? Carl doesn't care. He wants Rick to see him like this. He wants it to be a wake up call for Rick to get his son out of this godforsaken house that's only bearable because of Ron. But now Ron fucked up and left Carl alone at the party and Carl was raped and Carl can blame all of it on Ron if he wants to.

Carl curls in on himself and closes his eyes. "Go away."

+

Thank God tomorrow's Saturday and Carl isn't expected to get up for school. He wakes up around 10 o'clock, peels his clothes off his body and goes to take a shower first thing. When he gets out he feels a little better and decides he should probably make an appearance in the kitchen.

He hears soft music coming from Ron's room and the TV is on downstairs. Rick is gone for work and thankfully no one tries to talk to Carl before he goes into the kitchen and makes a piece of toast.

+

Rick never does suspect anything happened even when Carl is more elusive than ever. He goes to school but stays in his room, ignores the looks that kids give him in the hallways at school because maybe they know. Maybe Enid told them about how Carl got drunk and "passed out" and barfed on the floor of the guest room and again in the bushes outside and again in the back of Mikey's car.

He just _thought_ he was hurting before.

+

At lunch, Ron finds Carl sitting at the table in the farthest corner of the cafeteria. He sits down across from him. "Are you okay?"

"Leave me alone," Carl says. He folds his arms on top of the table and rests his head on them.

Ron is relentless. He reaches over and puts his hand on Carl's arm. "What's wrong?"

Carl snatches his arm and stands up. If Ron won't leave him alone, he'll just leave. And he does.

+

Later that same night, Ron comes into Carl's room. It's late but it's not too late; Sam is asleep but Rick and Jessie are still awake. Carl's in bed already when he hears his door squeak open.

"Carl," Ron says softly.

"Get out!"

Ron walks in and flips on the light. "Not until you tell me what's wrong."

Carl's _really_ angry because Ron should know what's wrong but he fucking doesn't because Ron just left him at that party and now Carl's scarred for life. "Leave me alone! Get out!"

" _Carl_ —"

Carl reaches for a water glass that's on the nightstand and hurls it at the wall. It shatters and that's a good metaphor for his life, really. "Get the fuck out!"

"No!" Ron has the guts to approach Carl, to grab his hand and try to kiss him and Carl's crying and Rick and Jessie are suddenly in the doorway. They see the kiss which is more forceful than anything, and Carl's visibly upset and this is Carl's perfect out: blame it on Ron. The rape? Ron's fault. The sex with Ron? Carl didn't want to; Ron made him.

Rick storms into the room, physically pushes Ron away from Carl and Carl watches this unfold horribly. "What the hell is going on?"

And he's asking Ron and not Carl and Ron is frozen in horror, so when Rick turns to Carl to ask him the same thing, Carl starts crying harder. "I'm sorry, Dad, I-I'm—I wanted to tell you—"

Rick turns to Ron and then Jessie. "Out. Get out," he snaps.

They leave and Rick closes the door and crosses the room to sit on the edge of Carl's bed. "What happened with Ron?"

Carl hiccups and he's panicking and his sight's blurry with tears. "He-he's been- Dad, I'm sorry."

Rick pulls him close, kisses his forehead and hugs him. "Did he touch you?"

Carl doesn't trust his voice, nods against Rick's shoulder.

"How long?"

"A-a while." And _get it together, Carl, this is your only chance out of this godforsaken house_. "I-I wanted to tell you. It's been months. He-he made me do things. I'm sorry, I—"

"It's not your fault," Rick whispers, and then he's crying, too. "It's not your fault."

+

Ron never does contest Carl's story. Carl never does see Ron again. Carl feels bad, but within a few days he and Rick are moving out and into an apartment. On his way out the front door with his last box of things, Carl is stopped by Jessie's hand on his shoulder.

"I'm sorry, sweetie," she says softly.

Carl just looks at her. If she only knew.

+

Rick takes a week off work to help Carl cope with everything and they settle into their 2 bedroom apartment. It's nice enough. It's quiet. Carl switches schools so he doesn't have to see Ron or Enid or any of those other kids or the senior boy in the hallway who actually raped him.

Carl is still sad—sad that any of this even happened, sad that he wanted away from Jessie and her kids so badly that he falsely accused one of them of rape.

Rick hovers. He asks Carl maybe 5 times a day how he's doing. Carl's response is always the same: "Okay." But in the evening, the weight of what Carl does comes crashing down on him and he's curled in bed and he's sobbing and Rick can't figure out why.

Carl almost comes clean, almost admits that he's lying about Ron molesting him and that what's really wrong is that Carl got drunk and was raped at a party. But then Rick lies down with him, holds him close, and Carl decides there's no harm in a little white lie.

**Author's Note:**

> tell me i'm a terrible person. TELL ME.


End file.
